Sunday, September 18, 2011
Married, and Becoming Friends Again
What I told the couple who realized they were so alienated that they no longer were even friends anymore, was to start appreciating each other.
Appreciations reach across any gap, and let the other person see inside of you (“In to me you see” = intimacy).
NVC appreciations have three parts:
1. Observation: what action you are appreciating
2. Feelings: how their doing that felt to you
3. Needs: what needs of yours got met by that action
So if you like it when the kitchen sink doesn’t have dishes in it, and your partner cleans the dishes, you could say: “When you did the dishes after dinner last night, I felt delighted because it met my need for cooperation and teamwork.”
Or, if you’d rather do it less formally: “Wow! I really liked it when you did the dishes last night and I just wanted to thank you. I love it when we work together.”
Research shows that the single best indicator of whether a marriage will last is how many appreciations they couple gives each other.
And they’re free!