Permission

My latest client came, as so many do, feeling overwhelmed, and wanting me to help them “get rid of” some part of their lives, some part of themselves.

That’s not how I work. I’ve found it works better to add lost parts back in. The stress of life is more about one, lonely part of you, usually the ego/conscious mind trying to run (read control) everything. Since it is really only good at a few little things (like math and linear time management) it begins to spin and stress as it tries to do the multi-tasking that relationships, feelings and joy require.

In the last couple of sessions, I have been contradicting his limiting beliefs, and teaching him how to reaquire the permissions that at first it seems other people or society “took away.” It turns out, I’ve found, that permission is actually ours to keep or forbid to ourselves. When Rosa Parks Refused to sit in the back of the bus, “they” were still refusing her permission, but she found the permission inside herself, and when she acted from that place, others who had lost it were reminded it was theirs to give to themselves.

I sent this client to Meetup.com. Find a group that scares you, one which is full of people who clearly have permission where you do not. Go to sit in a room with them and watch your internal dialog. Don’t be surprised if you are shocked or repulsed. These are signs you may want to go back.

He left a little dazed. This is NOT what his ego came to hear me say. Still, each week he does what I suggest, and comes back less and less stressed, and more and more happy and relaxed.

“I seem to have more energy these days,” he said. “Sure,” I thought, “you’re not wasting energy holding yourself down!”

Conflict, Lock and Key

Conflict is like a gate, it is both the opening into the walled off garden of love, and the obstacle which keeps us out.

Which of these it is depends on whether you have the key or not.

Conflict is the smoke that points out the fire - the passion in your life. It also burns your life up with destruction. It depends on whether you know fire-craft or not.

Conflict reveals the hidden truth in both parties, or it broadcasts the lies far and wide. It depends on where you look: inside yourself for truth, or at the other person for blame.

If you avoid conflict, your life shallows out. It becomes calm in appearance it is mirror smooth, but then it just reflects your inner turmoil.

If you become habituated to the anger and blame, your life becomes a series of eruptions punctuated by tense terror, and things just seem to get worse and worse.

There is a third path, where conflict resolves into respectful differences. Sitting quietly, the calm hands you the two keys: the first unlocks your own truth; the second unlocks your curiosity about the other person’s truth.

Did You Marry a Friend or Foe?

I did a session this week with a couple who have learned the language of NVC, but were missing the starting point of the violence: the assumption that the person you are talking to is an enemy.

Obviously, we marry people we feel friendly towards. That happens to also be the starting assumption of any non-violent, compassionate communication.

It creates tons of slack - we listen using what I call the “Best Possible Interpretation.” If your new love says, “Jeeze, you’re such a bitch!” you assume they mean your are really assertive and you feel appreciated and respected. If they say, “I’m gonna take you out an buy you a new shirt” you think, “Oh goodie, a gift!”

The whole time you use LOVE as your guiding assumption of their motives, it’s really fun no matter what they say or do. We call this the Infatuation Stage - it’s stage one.

Then, when your relationship transitions into stage two, the Conflict Stage; you switch more and more of your motivation from LOVE to FEAR, and eventually, imperceptibly, your significant-other shifts from friend to competitor to enemy. This is accompanied by a shift from “Best Possible Interpretation” to “Worst.”

Suddenly, black becomes white, and white black. Now, if your love calls you a bitch, you assume they are being really, really mean. And if they say, “I’m gonna take you out an buy you a new shirt” you think, “They hate the way I dress!”

Each of the parties in the couple I was working with had pretty much changed everything that they were going to change to suit their partner. What was left was the actual difference that they had invited into their lives by picking this particular person. The other change they had made, was from lovers to competitors, and when things got heated, they made it all the way to enemies.

They both now know enough NVC to know that when their partner is angry, that’s just the frustration that comes when one of your needs isn’t getting met. But they couldn’t figure out what to do about that, because when your enemy is angry, it’s just a drag; it doesn’t seem like it would be fun to help them out.

So I took a turn “being” each of their partners. I said the same thing that their partner said that consistently made them angry, and when they responded angrily, I opened my heart and let my concern for my friend to spread through my body, and express itself through my words.

Same anger, same relationship, same issues. I just modeled what it feels like to be received as a friend, instead of an enemy.

They turned and looked at each other with renewed interest. Instead of issues and anger, the relationship suddenly came back into relief.

The relief that comes from relating with a friend.

The Edge

Elise and I keep moving our relationship to a further edge. How many times have we gone beyond any known horizon with our truth telling? Those quiet conversations, usually in bed late, late at night, or early, early in the predawn morning.

The foundation of my home, is now, therefore, afloat, way out to sea. Grounded, I am, now in the deep waters of the soul. Mated there, soul-mated. 

I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. This is the closest locale there is to my own true epicenter. It isn’t a place. You can’t get there, the traveling was done in moments of truth-telling, and now the place I live is no longer a place. I live in Elise’s understand of who I am, and she lives in mine.

If she were to die (first - we will die), I think I would be set adrift. The journey would begin to unravel like my other, mundane memories, and I think all I would know is that I am not home, but I would not know how to get there from here. Half of here would be gone.

The Power of Listening

Last night, after 10 weeks of discussing the theory of NVC, I sat in front of the class, and had each student sit next to me and let me listen, non-violently, empathetically, to whatever was up for them. It was a revelation to both the participant and the observers. With the subtle touch of a feather, each person’s deepest truth emerged with a whisper, like blowing eraser shards off a drawing and seeing the picture like magic.

So many people are walking around with unspoken, unexamined truths - most people with a lifetime’s worth. Without this inner guidance they don’t even know they don’t know what they do know.

PhillyNVC joins Occupy Philly to form Occupy Philly with Compassion!

PhillyNVC joins Occupy Philly to form Occupy Philly with Compassion!

I’ll be teaching a class on Empathy in Action this Wednesday at the Education Tent at 10am at the Occupy Philly site next to City Hall.

The class is free to all. You’ll learn how to respond non-violently to people who disagree with you.

Let’s keep this protest safe - learn the skills you need!

(Or come to our regular Tuesday night class 7:30-9pm. We’re teaching Speaking NVC in Oct, and Listening using NVC: Empathy every Tuesday in November. See www.PhillyNVC.org for details).